01/07/24

Im currently trying to transfer most of my music onto VLC on my phone but its a bit harder than i thought itd be. to make my library organized at least and to rip all my CDs. everytime i think i have it down one album gets sorted into 5 different ones all with out thumbnails. i hate spotify's bussiness model but god, is it convenitent! thats how they get you though and ive been trying to get got less recently. i probably just need to dedicate one day to do it all in one go and stop dragging it out.

doing this will also force me to find new music to listen to more intentionally which ive also been meaning to do. its something that id hope people would do for the band that im in so why shouldnt i try myself? if i just complain it doesnt really do jack shit, im just annoying. something ive also been trying to do less of lately. im starting to really realize how much i really want music to be my thing. when i started doing it i never thougt about it i just felt like it was something id do forever, if that makes sense. not saying writing or playing really great came super naturally to me but the idea of it did. so much so i didnt think about it. its nice to know i have something to hold onto and im not completely aimless.

14/05/2024

ive been getting all sorts of art suplies left on my door step by one of my neighbors. i have an idea of two people it could be but no matter who it is i am greatful! it seems like the momment i think about wanting to pick something up, it just appears on my doorstep. it really sounds like im making this up. but the first gift was a set of acrylic paints and canvas's. i need to do more acrylic stuff but its hard to break away from watercolours.

last enrty i was right that id have to get a new sketchbook at the rate i was filling mine, but i was a little off the much. i had to get more watercolour paper since id gone through all mine and regular paper was just barely working. to go along with it i got some waterproof ink and a calligraphy pen with nibs you can switch out. i have been having so much fun doing fancy tidius designs with this stuff. i really love all sorts of swirlly patterns and stained glass windows. i love filling up pages with cluttered incricate designs. im not amazing at it but im getting better!

ive also been getting into crocheting and making jewerly again. i got a bunch of spike stud things to put all over my clothes. i found some old sturdy industrial jump rings to make all sorts of things. also fixing up and switching around old jewerly, its all great fun. ive also been sewing a lot more and altering my old clothes i dont wear too much anymore. ill probably make another blog entry about all that. ive been keeping myself so busy with art project after art project, gotta do something while looking for a job !

06/04/2024

in the past 3 months ive been painting basically every day or at least a couple times a week. for awhile last year i kind of slowed down on painting mostly because of art block and just not being happy wih anything i made. at the time i was using a lot of gouache which i really love but i just wanted to switch it up. i just really wanted to do some watery-light paintings. so i got a pan watercolor set and i LOVED IT. it was so much let messy than the tube gouache i was using, i could just bust it out whenever i wanted. it also just really strached that itch i had for while.

ive been having so much fun and im improving really fast. sometimes i really just have to trust the process which i can be impaitent about so im improving on that too haha. over all its a great part of my day to just make something. im filling out my sketch book so quickly ill probably have to get another by june.

23/02/2024

Recently ive been thinking about why i make art. i think theres two main reasons. first of all, i love making art. its been my favorite thing for all of my life, it keeps me doing things and expressing myself when i otherwise cant.

the other reason is that i want approval and praise. which isnt bad, but makes me feel bad and guilty. so i tried to investigate why i use art for approval and it stumped me for awhile. at first i only got as far as "if i make good art people will be impressed and therefore like me" but i felt like there was more to that.

finally drudged up why i felt like that only like two days ago. it all clicked so quick almost out of nowhere and i immediately wrote it down as quick as possible in my journal.

"i think why i make art is because i feel like im nothing on my own. like i have no value when no other people there to give me it. so if can i make something thats good and seen, i can be good and seen when im not there. my fear of making bad art comes from that too. like if i make bad art, thats all i am when im not around."

i was really upset at myself for feeling like this, but i also realized my love for making things and my want for approval can exist at the same time. i just have to keep my want for approval in check so it doesnt control me and alter the things i make.

i also had to realize that while what i make is a peice of me in it, its not all of me. i was conflating the two alot. which made it hard to make things because i didnt want to be 'bad'. sometimes i have to remind myself im just making songs and painting paintings. or else ill get to in my own head and not be able to make anything at all.

but they can be just songs and paintings while also being a piece of me at the same time.

black and white thinking will be the end of me i swear. i just have to make things and not be in my head all the time, why is that so hard for me?? am i just that pretenious??