page of wands

23/02/2024

Recently ive been thinking about why i make art. i think theres two main reasons. first of all, i love making art. its been my favorite thing for all of my life, it keeps me doing things and expressing myself when i otherwise cant.

the other reason is that i want approval and praise. which isnt bad, but makes me feel bad and guilty. so i tried to investigate why i use art for approval and it stumped me for awhile. at first i only got as far as "if i make good art people will be impressed and therefore like me" but i felt like there was more to that.

finally drudged up why i felt like that only like two days ago. it all clicked so quick almost out of nowhere and i immediately wrote it down as quick as possible in my journal.

"i think why i make art is because i feel like im nothing on my own. like i have no value when no other people there to give me it. so if can i make something thats good and seen, i can be good and seen when im not there. my fear of making bad art comes from that too. like if i make bad art, thats all i am when im not around."

i was really upset at myself for feeling like this, but i also realized my love for making things and my want for approval can exist at the same time. i just have to keep my want for approval in check so it doesnt control me and alter the things i make.

i also had to realize that while what i make is a peice of me in it, its not all of me. i was conflating the two alot. which made it hard to make things because i didnt want to be 'bad'. sometimes i have to remind myself im just making songs and painting paintings. or else ill get to in my own head and not be able to make anything at all.

but they can be just songs and paintings while also being a piece of me at the same time.

black and white thinking will be the end of me i swear. i just have to make things and not be in my head all the time, why is that so hard for me?? am i just that pretenious??

nav