page of wands

favorite books, articles, and stupid tumblr posts in november 2024

books

This month I read 'The Death of Ivan Ilyich' by Leo Tolstoy.
It's an amazing novella about a man who thought he did everything right only realizing it was all for naught right before dying of a terminal illness. That's not a spoiler, since it starts off with his funeral. where your narrator at the funeral sets up a lot of the main ideas of the story amazingly and very honestly. in an ugly way. That's kind of how I'd describe the whole book. almost grossly honest about most people's flippant attitude towards others lives and the own life they've been given. "bad things happen to others, not me, and when bad things do happen to me, I should be pitied above all else.". The funeral attendant just wants his social responsibility to be over so he can go play cards with his buddies. Ivans wife tries to figure out how to get the most out of her husband's life insurance. ivans colleagues discuss how his now empty space in court will be filled.
After all this we get to see ivans life up to his illness, then his last few months with it. Ivans feelings about others and his own life are on full display, mostly his feelings about his wife whom he hates. He married because it just felt like the socially right thing to do at the time, not because he thought he wanted to be her life partner.
which is kind of how he treated his entire life. He poured most of his life into his career because it seemed like the right thing to do, he was good at it, and it gave him a sense of power over others. (also so he can avoid his wife whom he hates) he also really enjoys cards.
I mostly did not sympathize with ivan for most of the book, you can read into whatever that says about me if you'd like but, i found myself understanding him way more towards the end of the book where he realizes that there is no more getting better for him. he is in the process of dying and he will die very soon. he starts to grow irritated and angry that no one around him is acknowledging that he is dying. they just treat him like he's normal, if not, like he's not there at all.

In my own way I understood how he felt. When I weighed my lowest this year most didn't bat an eye. At the time I thought it meant I wasn't thin enough yet and used it as motivation to keep getting thinner. though under that thought, why dont they see that im struggling? Looking back on it, I looked pretty awful. so i think no one wanted to ask about it, just in case it wasn't my doing. but It was also pretty obvious I was ED’d So I really don't know why most people didn't ask me if I was okay, nor do I really care now. I just don't like the "you look much healthier!" comments. I know I gained weight, okay.
Everytime i'd go to bed hungry, or faint in the shower, or try to talk to my friends and have nothing come to mind, or bend over and have my food come up my throat without me wanting it to, while regaining my composure I see my fingernails have turned blue, and i'd think to myself "what am I doing? I'm actively wasting my life."

I maybe wasn't directly on my deathbed like Ivan, but I got a look at death and now I'm actively trying to turn my life around. By the time Ivan got there, there was no turning his life around. The only refuge he got was finally dying and just having it be over already. Also a servant who he thought was the only one who recognized he was dying, because he pitied him.
He would hold his legs up all night if he was asked and basically do anything he wanted, because he reckoned he shouldn't deny a dying man his wishes. Especially since he was a lower class than him. Ivan liked that he wasn't being forced to go through more pain to get better, he was just allowed to be comfortable and die like he wanted to. In a way that's selfish of him, but I also feel that its somewhat selfish to put someone through that too.

I'm really mixed on my feelings on that and i don't think i could get to an end conclusion yet. Both parties have their own ugly and pure interests, so I recommend reading the book yourself to gain a better sense of that. I can only explain so much, I'm still not great at writing yet.
Getting to see his perspective and attitude change over time is really interesting and insightful to read. I recommend this book a lot.

articles

if i didn't want people to read my work, i'd just write in my journal

sums up how i feel about my blog, my zines, my comics, a lot of stuff really! its a good short read.

stupid tumblr posts

honnorable mention is this account that just post photos of Paul McCartney everyday.

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